don't u juz hate it when u get those sinking feeling deep down in ur dinghy little gut? i dO. and i absolutely hate it...

felt so disgusted with myself, with my attitude. i've changed so much that i don't even know myself at all. i hate it that i'm not in control of my life, i hate it that i don't know who i am, i hate it that i'm such a stupid, depressed bitch who fails at everything in life!
earlier in the evening, sat in the corner of my room, feeling super miserable for whatever stupid reason i cannot fanthom. and pondered upon my life. which has been a complete failure. i cannot even squeeze out a single ounce of success. how good i am hUh. tried to...brighten myself up, by thinking of tHE future. and guess what..i found myself being unmotivated by anything in life. i'm prodding...dragging...crawling..forcing myself to move on in life when i don't have a freaking goal or motivator in life! no wonder i'm depressed.

do i have a lesson learnt here? to source my motivation to the very essence of my existence? to live every day of my life as if it were my last? to constantly bring joy to others and myself? probably will take a long time for me to fulfill any of this..coz i seriously doubt i can do it, with my newly and gradually acquired attitude to life and whatnot.

i'm trying so hard not to be me in certain ways. not to be so sensitive, not to be so stubborn, not to be so revengeful, and the list stretches. but the more i try..the worser the results. i end up being tough and hard in other ways, and extremely sensitive in others. seems to backfire, coz i become even more stubborn, rebellious, arrogant. it's sO hard to understand my ownself, not to even mention understanding others. i sucK.